First 6 Months, According to Facebook

When I came to Korea to teach for a year, my intention was to keep a detailed journal to use for later writing. In reality, the only real journaling I've been doing is posting of quick status updates on Facebook, which I seem to do like it's going out of style. As a result, though, I ended up having a fairly detailed account of my first 6 months here.  Enjoy. August 18, 2012:   Landed in Seoul safely. After a little ride in a shuttle- the speakers of which were faintly playing Jim Croce's "Time in a Bottle"- I arrived at my hotel. I'll stay the night here and go back to the airport to get picked up by my employers tomorrow. I'm 14 hours ahead of y'all. So....it's...dinnertime for me? Again? I. don't. get. it.

 August 18, 2012:

"Wakey, wimchi! Eggs and kimchi!"  August 19, 2012: Arrived at my next spot: Jeongju University. Which is...well...it seems to be somewhere in South Korea. I'll get a little orientation for the next 8 days. I'm trying to be discreet here, but it seems that when I sat on the ground in front of this coffee shop just now to snag a little of their wi-fi, some bitey-type bugs have made their way into my underclothes. Wondering how to say "Look away! Nothing to see here!" in Korean.  August 19, 2012 Walked a bit and found a little cafe. The menu was entirely Korean. Well. How about I try to order what I want and just make it sound Korean? "Buh-nee-lah lah-tay-uh?" The lady knew just what I was saying. Turns out vanilla latte is not so hard to order. August 19, 2012

Attended a lecture on Korean culture. Turns out they think poop is funny and like to talk about it a lot. They even have poop statues, poop sculptures and bread shaped like poop, called "poop bread." I don't think this is going to be a good fit.

August 20, 2012: 
Hello from Jeonju! I can't begin to explain how grateful I am for the life I have been given and the opportunity to do what I'm doing. My God is a muthaheckin' good God.

August 22, 2012: 
Yelling "KEEEEE-YOP!" with these two taekwondo teachers. This class was awesome. Fun. Hard.

 August 24, 2012 (about a run)

Now, that was pretty awesome. Started out in the greenish-yellow diminishing light of a stormy early evening. Past shops and restaurants with new smells and sounds. Along a river with older Korean women exercising at outdoor stations. The skies opened up and the rain hit at just the right moment. This run was memorable.

August 25, 2012: Have you ever had somebody make a Charlie's Angels gun with their hands and then run up behind you and poke you in the bum-hole with their extended fingers while yelling "dong chim!" (which roughly translates to "poop needle")? Yeah. Neither have I. But I've been warned that it's quite probable while teaching in a Korean school. Great.   August 26, 2012 Tomorrow I head for Hadong South Korea. That's where one of the middle schools where I'll be teaching is located. The other two are somewhere else. That's right. Auntie B teacher is teaching 22 classes a week in 3 different middle schools. Who already feels like a bad-ass before her job even begins? August 27, 2012 School was called off tomorrow here in Hadong due to the approaching typhoon. Looks like I'll have tomorrow to clean my 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment. Yeah, that's what I said. Almost unheard of! Who's coming to visit me? (Pics soon- going out to buy water and cleaning supplies. Wish me luck.) August 27, 2012 Just ran into one of my soon-to-be students in the elevator of my apartment. ♥ ♥ ♥ August 27, 2012 Advice from the supervisor at the Gyeongnam Department of Education: "Do not borrow money from your co-teacher or your family. This could cause a very serious disease in your psychological digestion." Okay. I won't. August 28, 2012: Here's my address. We can write old-school snail mail for fun. Or you can pop up on my doorstep. Or you can send me almond butter. Or multi-grain anything. Or Ewan McGregor. Bridget Maret Gyeongsangnam-do Hadong-Eup 428-2 Gwangpyung-Ri DAEKYUNG APT 101-801 667 801 August 28, 2012: Thanks to Melinda Cordasco (the U.S. teacher living in my apartment before me) for giving me some tips and showing me around! I'm writing her into my will, I am. August 28, 2012: Seems my arrival coincides with the principal's retirement, so we both got to address the entire student body today. On another note, I'm pretty sure I put my hand over my heart and mumbled my way through the Korean National Anthem. Not really sure what was going on there. August 28, 2012: Things most commonly heard while being dragged down the hall by a group of middle school girls who are all trying to hold my hand: "You look pretty! Give me candy!" "You very beautiful! I want candy!" "I am very, very nice student. Candy." I see how things work around here, and I accept your cheap compliments. By the way, kid, I know what the middle finger means, so you can stop grabbing my hand and trying to make me do that. Saying "puck-ing! puck-ing!" is unnecessary to make your point. Overkill. August 29, 2012: A student just knocked on my door, came in, and said, "I want to look at teachuhhhhh!" And, well, then she just stood there looking at me for a bit. I asked for her name and then I wrote it in Hangul, which made her giggle and say over and over "Teachuh CUTE-eh! Teachuh CUTE-eh!" I'm pretty cute, I guess. August 29, 2012: I kid you not when I say every person had a toothbrush in their mouth while walking down the hall after lunch. Students and teachers alike were brushing with purpose and intensity. I need a breath mint. August 30, 2012: Let's just say that starting a class off in Korea with Michael Jackson's "Beat It" does not quite have the same effect as it does in the states. But at least now my students know I can dance. And beat box a little. That just happened when the feeling moved me during a lesson. August 30, 2012 How to impress Koreans/humiliate yourself in one move: Show them your interpretation of Gangnam Style dancing while waiting for the bus to pick you up from a stop near your ultra-rural school. Oh, yes. I did, Suzanna (See video below.) August 30, 2012 Too many posts for one day, but I had someone ask me if my tattoo was a "crop-uh cir-cuh." No, sir. I do not have a crop circle tattooed on my arm. But I saw the admiration in your eyes. August 30, 2012: Just added a lot of photos to the living/teaching in Hadong album. Go there to see my 2nd school. Videos to come in a few hours. Off to buy a second pair of slippers, since I left mine at school. August 30, 2012: Maybe I shouldn't pet those little dogs down the street anymore considering my hands smell like shit afterwards. I washed them. My hands, not the dogs. Now they smell like shit and soap. Weird soap. August 30, 2012: The entire school gets swept and mopped in a matter of minutes after school. The kids are in charge. Am I in some kind of teacher dream-land?   August 30, 2012: Here's where I teach on Wednesdays. You can google Hadong Korea, click on the map, then zoom 2 times to find Hoengcheon-myeon up and to the right, if you're feeling search-y. August 30, 2012: If a teacher paradise were created, it would be modeled after my Friday school here in Korea. There are 27 students (total) at this middle school and everything about it is a pinch-me, am I really here moment. Except for the squat toilets, I guess. Those can be left out. But everything else. Seriously. August 31, 2012: Off to explore this little city- about an hour by bus from where I live.   September 2, 2012: "Soju! Soju!" *offers me some* "No, thank you. Soju hurts my stomach. Water only." *points to stomach." "Soju!" "No. Water only." "Beer! Beer!" "No, thank you. Beer hurts my stomach." *points to stomach* "Korean soju. Berry-berry good. No hurt." "I have an allergy." "Huh?" "An ALLergy." "Ah! Allergy!" *pours some water for me. then pours a little beer into my water.* Not drinking that either, little buddy. But, thanks. September 2, 2012: Got to school at 8:30. I was waiting for my 10:10 class to start when a teacher came in and told me my class was canceled. Why? No clue. When do I teach? 1:35 p.m. I aim to please, so I'm about to be the BEST DANG DESK-WARMER this school has ever seen!  September 3, 2012: Just a status update to inform you that teenagers in Korea are in fact the same as teenagers at home. "What do YOU like to do?" I asked during a lesson using the phrase "I like to..." One kid mumbled to his friends (in English) "I like to watch porn." Next time, say it in Korean, you little dummy. September 3, 2012: First run here in Hadong. Along the river to another little town. Crabs running sideways on the walk. Bamboo as tall as the skies. Old ladies brushing burning coals from the street with straw brooms. India Ink mountains lit from behind by the setting sun. September 3, 2012: Bracing for my 9th grade class tomorrow. "All the Korean teachers hate them," said my co-teacher while giving me a ride home today. "They...what is it? I learned the word...taunt. They taunt." "Each other?" I asked. "No. The teacher." Oh. Well. *rolling up my sleeves* September 3, 2012: "Lots of nutritive and energetic ingredeients..."   September 3, 2012: I hope the class that's standing with their noses to the wall in the room down the hall did something really bad because it's a little on the pitiful side to see. Same goes for the girl who is kneeling with her head bowed in the hall in front of the teacher's office. September 3, 2012: Flexibility is the key here. I call it the Korean "surprise!" I add my own "surprise" to the sentence to make it more fun in my head. Like so: [Surprise!] "You will be teaching an extra speaking class on Tuesday during 7th period." [Surprise!] I was just told this. It's Tuesday. [Surprise!] September 3, 2012: Want to know how to completely silence a noisy group of Korean teenagers after being warned that they're an awful group? Bust out with some beat-boxing, followed by a bit of the Beastie Boys "Paul Revere" and end with a little bit of breakdancing. There, suckas. Got your attention now. Let's do a little grammar lesson. September 3, 2012: View from my M-W school. Had an 8th grade and a 9th grade class today. Loved it. Hilarious and very similar feel to my class back home.   September 4, 2012: I know it's not good to have favorites, but come on. This kid wanted me to call him "I Die," and then about 1/2 way through the class changed his mind. He is now "Doc Phantom." And he's chubby. How can I not love him? September 4, 2012: "Teacher! Teacher! What's my name?" *gulp* "Um. Is it Yuri? Juri? Min Yeong? Cho Hui? Sun Hye? Su Ah? Sui He? Min Hu? San Ha? Jae Jin? Yu Gin? Jae Yeon? Wait...I'll get it. I only teach about 450 of you." September 4, 2012: This is how you use the toity in my apartment, by the way. I know because the toity lid tells me so. September 5, 2012: You know what I like? Flinging myself on the ground in a dramatic pantomime of dying because I wrote my name in red ink on the board. Also did it when I opened an umbrella in the classroom. For three classes. That's six epic deaths on one day. Yes. September 5, 2012: Sometimes you arrive at work at 9:30 and head for the classroom to get things together for your first class at 11:15, only to find the schedule has been changed and there's been a class sitting in your room since 9:00 waiting for your lesson to begin. SURPRISE! September 5, 2012: I am byu-tee-pul. I am small face. I am baby face. I am nice body-line. I am byu-tee-pul hair. I am long. I am long body. I am Wonder Woman. I am ghost teacher. And don't you forget it September 5, 2012: I have to say after trying it today for the first time, communal teeth-brushing after a school lunch is both entertaining and refreshing. I'm a fan. September 6, 2012: At my Yangbo Middle School of Total Harmony and Teacherly Bliss we stop at 11:00 so the whole school (27) can walk around the yard twice. They even play music on the speakers for a little motivation. Plus, my co-teacher showed me a picture of a traditional Korean dress she sewed...for her dog. I love it here September 6, 2012: If I ignore the fact that I can see their beady little eyes and the inner workings of their digestive system, that bowl of tiny little crunchy fish were kind of tasty September 7, 2012: Yangbo Middle School kitty. One of several who roam in and out of the building.   September 7, 2012: "hello ., my name is ferdinand cole i'm from united kingdom i was going through skype when i saw your picture and i'm really interested in knowing more about you and i hope to hear from you soon..." Not gonna happen, Ferdinand. Nope. Not at all. September 7, 2012: Sometimes when you take your watch off and set it on the floor of the gym where you'll be playing volleyball with your co-workers for an hour, it won't be there when you go to put it back on. And then there will be an awkward announcement about it being missing at a staff dinner the same night. I couldn't bring myself to lift my embarrassed head to look for guilty, shifty eyes. September 7, 2012: ‎"I can see you are a person enjoying her life," said a Korean co-worker to me. I like the way that sounds. And I am. September 8, 2012: Remember that nasty little piece of meat that I cleverly took from my mouth last week and hid in my backpack until I could throw it away? Yeah... Oops. Think anyone will notice if I carry a backpack around today that smells of rotting flesh? I mean, I got all the bugs out. I think. September 8, 2012: Having experienced 2 Sundays in my apartment building with neighbors enjoying their day off, I now dub them "Stinky Food Preparation Day." *holds nose* September 9, 2012: Having done it multiple times now, I am a big fan of the bow while jogging move. It's like a slightly disorienting ab-crunch in the middle of a run. Totally beats the runners hand-up wave back home. September 9, 2012: In retrospect, maybe I shouldn't have lifted the back of my shirt and shown that dude dumping trash behind a restaurant part of my back tattoo. It's just...he had some. And NO one has tattoos in Hadong. And I was excited to find my people. I was bonding. You know? Oh, man. I hope we're not engaged now. September 10, 2012: As it turns out, pulling kids out of their class to get a verbal butt whoopin' for their piss poor behavior in your previous class works just as well in Korea as it does back home. Oh! Who's all quiet and uncomfortable looking now? Is it you, Chong Cheol? Not the big man about town at the moment, Dae Ho? Can't look me in the eyes, Chong Ik? Yeah. Thought so. Straighten up, goof balls. September 10, 2012: Sweet Lord of Lords. There was a schedule change for tomorrow and I was told about it...TODAY. Where's the Korean Surprise!? I'm a little disappointed. September 10, 2012: Making my seating charts. I don't know about you, but I think "Lee Young Gun" is one of the coolest accidental Korean Western names I've ever heard. September 10, 2012: You want to know how to throw a Korean teen off his game when he's getting sassy in class? Open up a can of good old 1970s U. City talk on him. I was neck rollin' and finger waving and palm showin': "Aw, naw. You think this crazy? I can get REAL crazy. You don't KNOW crazy. Keep it comin'. I'm finna get ALL crazy up in herrrrrr." Yeah. I went there. September 10, 2012: Gulp. If I can make myself teach a certain lesson for the 13th, 14th, and 15th time today, I can start with something fresh tomorrow. I could never be a rock star. I'd get on stage and hear people chanting my top song, play a few chords, and then be like, "F- this, people. If I sing this one more time I'm gonna puke." September 10, 2012: I'll tell you what, you throw some little white girl stringy hair up in a braid and these Koreans go cray-zay! September 10, 2012: Oh, look. I made two cute little places for bad kids to sit. And there's another really special one right next to my desk. Try me. Do it. Auntie B don't play. September 10, 2012: "Teacher! Teacher! Hysteria music! Video! Song!" Could it be? Was one of my students really requesting a Def Leppard song from the 80s? YES! Cued up the youtube video. Hit play. Started to rock out like I do. Looked around. Stunned children. Not good stunned. Bad stunned. Turns out the more popular and current group, Muse, has a song of the same name. Oopsies. September 11, 2012: Sometimes it's stupid how much I love teaching middle school kids. And to think 9 years ago when I left my job as a kindergarten teacher and applied to sub at Clayton, I secretly prayed I would never get a call for teaching middle school. Thought I'd hate it. Glad I got the call and even more glad that I was wrong. September 11, 2012: I guess watching a Korean soap opera WHILE driving your taxi is one way to kill two birds with one stone. I was just kind of praying, as the passenger, that I didn't become the third bird. September 11, 2012: My co-teacher just walked into my room, gave me some yummy treats, and said, "I think I will call you...'Happy B." You are all the time happy." September 11, 2012: "Hey, teacher! You like bug?" "No. I do not like bugs." Then this sweet little knuckle-head (pictured) tossed a handmade paper cockroach on me. I like your style, kid. You're alright with me!   September 12, 2012: Brainstorming problems a friend could have. "Teacher! He is gay!" *laughs* "That's not a problem." *serious face* "In Korea! Problem." "You are in ENGLISH class. In my culture, it is not a problem. Pick something else." Ask my Wydown kids, Min Soo. They know better than to try to say that shit in my classroom. Takes them a while, too. You'll learn. September 13, 2012: Bet the Korean government didn't think when they plopped this little white teacher in the middle of rural South Korea that I'd be weaving in my blackground all over my lessons. Weave would be an intended pun. Jam on it. September 13, 2012: Um. I found this in a pajama store. This little outfit is for children. Extra disturbing. But I laughed the entire way home, I did.   September 13, 2012: Nothing like "I'm divorced" to create instant Korean awkwardness after being asked if I'm married. Well? You asked! I told. Next question? September 13, 2012: Teaching at Yangbo today. Land of all things awesome.  September 14, 2012: My Korean co-teacher at Yangbo (school of all things awesome) made this traditional Korean outfit for her dog, Ponyo. I have found my people.   September 14, 2012: How to live like a Bridget Maret in Korea on a Friday: 1. Come home from work about 4:00. 2. Put on running clothes with full intention to run. 3. Spy the banana chips on the way out the door. 4. Sit on the couch *for just a moment* w/chips. 5. Wake up 4 hours later. September 14, 2012: I really feel like part of the Hadong community after I heard honking and then someone yelling 'BUDGET!" from their car window. Seotember 16, 2012 (posted with a Jimi Hendrix "The Wind Cries Mary" video) After all the cats are in their boxes And the ajummas have all gone to bed You can hear typhoon Samba blowing on down the street Eating rice instead of bread And the wind whispers...kimchee An odd voice is drearily shouting Out of the speaker mounted on my wall Somewhere an English speaker is doubting Somewhere she has no idea what it means at all And the wind, it cries...kimchee The traffic lights may be blown down by tomorrow And if I don't deskwarm, I'll stay in my bed Tiny Hadong is getting ty-pooned on I think the man in my speaker-wall just said And the wind screams...KIMCHEE! Will the wind ever remember The names it has blown in the past With its Min Su, its Yeong Gi and its Hyeong Ri It whispers haha, you can't even pronounce the last And the wind cries...kimchee   September 16, 2012: Just got the call. No school tomorrow. Thank you, "super typhoon" Sanba.   September 16, 2013: I'm not gonna lie. I am not what one would call the world's best cook in my own country. And I have no idea what half of this is or how you cook it. But (a) I'm hungry and (b) I'm determined to make some edible shit go down in my kitchen.   September 17, 2012: Well, hello, Sanba. September 17, 2012: From my friend Corbin, whose neighborhood saw quite a bit of typhoon Sanba today. Here in Hadong, the river is full and moving swiftly, but that's about it.  September 17, 2012: Just got my Alien Registration Card. Now I'm legit in Korea. Too legit, as a matter of fact. Too legit to quit. Hey-heeeeey. September 18, 2012: Kept a kid behind in class today because he was being a little turd. I made him look up the words "combative" and "jerk" in the dictionary. Pretty sure I saw a grin. It's on, kid. It's oooooon. September 19, 2012: It's all-staff volleyball Wednesday and I forgot my gym clothes. "It's okay," says my co-teacher. "Just play in that." And she eyes my frilly dress and wedge sandals. Um. Okay. If you insist. September 19, 2012: Well, let's just say that after the third time my dress flew up, showing my vice principal, the semi-paralyzed whistler blower guy, and the lady with the nice face my red undergarments, they managed to scrounge up an extra pair of pants and a shirt for me to wear during volleyball today. SURPRISE! September 19, 2012: September 19, 2012: In Korea, I walk like this, just in case there's anyone around I may need to deep-bow to. September 19, 2012: My coteacher just informed me, with great nervousness, shifty eyes, and a bit of lip sweat, that he needs to teach a couple of extra lessons before next week's exams. So, I'll only be teaching 1 class today. In about...oh...6 1/2 hours. SURPRISE! September 19, 2012: Very productive Thursday at work: Give 2 school puppies a bath. (check) Take myself on a walking tour of Hoengcheon. (check) Browse student English textbook. Find phrases like "She saved my life and this is the perfect chance to play her back." (check) Chat w/friend on facebook. (check) Watch a bunch of "Flight of the Conchords" clips. (check) Watch the "I speak jive" clip from the movie "Airplane." (check) Send it to a friend. (check) Make a plan for 4:30 class. (check). Go out and take some pictures. (check) Look at the bananas I bought this morning and wonder how the f- they got to be so brown already. (check) Think about what time it is at home. (check) Look up bus schedule to Daegu. Eat grapes in the office. (check) Brush teeth. (check) Get back on facebook (check.) September 20, 2012: I made a fun lesson. And I intend to teach it. It's 3:28 and my class is empty. If my 4:30 class (my only class of the day) doesn't show up, I'm walking down the street and grabbing some ajummas. I'm gonna teach this shit. TODAY. September 21, 2012: Daegu-bound September 22, 2012: Skype contact request from this morning. Answer is an emphatic "Hell, no." "hello, I was checking people all over me and I came across your name and thought you seemed worth talking to and I also believe that When you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible, but is this you?" September 22, 2012: Daegu male models. September 23, 2012: Nice overnight in Daegu. No extra tattoos for me. Thank goodness for sobriety. September 23, 2012: Nothing like pulling a lesson right outta my miguk butt because of an untold schedule change. SURPRISE! Thank goodness I got a package of magazines from Helena FitzWilliam O'Reilly. Browsing, cutting, gluing, and comic making to the rescue! Thanks, dear. Your delivery was well-timed. September 23, 2012: Dear Chae Beom, I hope you really enjoyed writing out the Korean characters for "mother f***er" and then having me sound them out, knowing I'd have NO idea what I was saying. Now that I know it, I'll be happy to share it your teaching abilities with your mother when I meet her. September 24, 2012: Turns out that bad word was not "mother f**cker," after all. This I learned after saying both the English and Korean words to my coteacher for clarification. Now I'm twice burnt. Dang it! (For the record, the word means idiot.) September 24, 2012: A walk in the evening in Hadong Park. A shaded narrow path through tall bamboo. Tall enough to make me dizzy when looking up and reaching for their tops. At the end of the path, they spread back like curtains to show me the lights of my small, sweet town. Continuing on. A solitary swing with heavy ropes that scratched my hands and a crude wooden plank to hold my weight. Back and forth. Higher and high again. I made an arc with my body like the smile on my face. September 24, 2012: Exam time for middle school students. The nerves are running high, and as a result the dong chim guns are out and poking with reckless abandon. September 25, 2012: My "extra class"- a group of girls I see once a week. Today's lesson? How to deal with the stress. Class outside. Yoga poses while standing on benches. Students fighting for who gets to hold hands with their "new mother." My heart melts for these girls.   September 25, 2012: Sitting in my classroom. No teaching today because of exams. Both my principal and vice principal have stopped by for a little language exchange. broom. dustpan. shoe. flag. catch. Eyes light up with comprehension on both ends. Language, even at its most simple, is amazing. September 26, 2012: Hiking with my Korean coworkers after school. September 28, 2012: Watch out, previously unexplored corners of Gyeongsangnam-do. I'm coming for you in my newly purchased 1999 Hyundai Avante. That is, if I can pass the ajumma riding down the center of the road in her mobility scooter at 3 mph.   October 2, 2012:  Solo hike. October 4, 2012: Totally fell asleep in between postures while practicing yoga today. Woke up with drool on my mat and little bumpy imprints all over my skin. That was one wicked savasana. October 4, 2012: I have not mastered the Korean-style of eating grapes by popping them out of their skins right into your mouth with one single bite. What I end up doing is something closer to what would end up on the cutting room floor of a really, really bad no-one-wants-to-watch-it porn production. Which makes me laugh. Every time. I'm sorry you have to see that, Korean people. October 8, 2012: I find bending over and picking up all of the bb pellets from my floor to be a very zen practice. October 8, 2012: A surprise schedule change meant 30 rowdy Korean teenagers came bounding into my classroom while I was still getting ready. I tried improvising, including a speaking/racing relay in the hallway with disastrous results. "Oh, well," I said to my co-teacher after class, "at least I can get really prepared for the next two classes." "Oh," she said. "I'm sorry. Those classes have been canceled." Haha. Oh, Korea. You funny, funny girl. October 8, 2012: My new principal just came to my room for a visit and a little English conversation. Feeling pretty good about my decision to wake myself up from my desk nap. Hoping the imprints on my face and drool lines aren't too noticeable. October 8, 2012: Pulled a kid from class and made him walk the track outside with me while I both railed at him (in English) for being a jerk in class and calmly and lovingly told him (in English) I believe he's a good kid. There are so many levels of confusing punishment there that I believe he's rightfully wondering what in the hell just happened. October 9, 2012: And then came the moment when I looked down at a student's comic and saw the words "shat fuck them your mother." "WHAT does that say?!" I asked. I Die looked at his paper and clearly said, "Shit fuck damn your mother. My friend says this. 'Shit fuck damn your mother.' This person [points to his drawing] is sad because they don't have pipi [penis]." I guess...that is...a problem. October 10, 2012 R.I.P., Dum-dum. Dang it. I don't like that news. One bit. October 11, 2012: At my Friday school of all-things-wonderful. The lady-principal and I walked around the school grounds between classes, holding hands, while two colorful butterflies circled around us. I shit you not. I bet people get dressed with the help of little singing birds around here, Snow White-style. October 12, 2012: At my Friday school.   October 12, 2012: I'm officially a Korean. If by "Korean" I mean someone who gets 4 speeding tickets in 2 days. I need to learn the Korean word for "oopsie." Learning the difference between miles and kilometers would also help. October 14, 2012: Took a drive out to see the fall leaves today. ♥ — at Jirisan National Park October 15, 2012: There seems to be something called "baseball" going on back in my hometown. There are many facebook posts about it followed by words like "Woot!" and "way to go!" Is this "baseball" the game with the net? I would like to teach it to my Korean counterparts. October 15, 2012: And again the little Yiddish I know comes alive in Korea and makes me giggle like nobody's business. The Korean word for "meal" is "shiksa." This word may be repeated over and over accompanied by eating motions to encourage you to go have your lunch. Back home I only knew it to mean "Hey! Gentile! Stay away from my hunky Jewish brother!"  October 15, 2012: I know that when I'm drawing a picture of a lady on the board and some middle school boys yell "glamor! glamor!" I am supposed to make the lady have a bust like Dolly Parton's. So glad Melinda taught me that word before she left. October 15, 2012: an otherwise empty classroom. two girls sneaked out of an assembly to find me here. aching from the dull pain of words hurled, they came for counsel. google translate on my computer. we typed and patiently waited for the response of the other. typed and patiently waited. typed and waited. and the language of the heart set to mending. October 17, 2012: I made an invitation for coworkers to come to my apartment next Wednesday for some tea, snacks, and English games. When I gave the invitation to my co-teacher and asked her to tell others about it, she said with brows raised, "And it is okay if no one comes?" Um. I guess so? October 22, 2012: Teacher! I am koala! You are tree!" And then the sweetest little arms wrapped around me and refused to let go. Have I mentioned how much I love teaching? October 23, 2012: Thank you, Google Translate, for allowing me to connect with an otherwise shut-down teenage girl. I am humbled by the opportunity to lighten a spirit thousands of miles from home. October 23, 2012: Playing Madlibs with Korean teenagers is really funny. And innocent. I can actually have blanks for "body parts" and get things like "noses," "arms," and "elbows." The opportunity to write every kind of word for private parts would not be lost on my students at home. Not here. And I'm not teaching them. Stay gold, Pony-Hyeon. October 24, 2012: "Well at least I don't suck THAT bad," I thought, watching 2 other teachers fumble their way through today's volleyball game like me. Apparently I do. The three of us had to stay after and do extra practice. While the rest of the staff ate tangerines and watched us. Awesome. October 25, 2012: Volleyball bruises. And, yes, I know that's not where the ball is supposed to make contact.   October 26, 2012: Really hoping for lost in translation when one of my co-teachers told me her dog is a "deep kisser." October 27, 2012: Beautiful Sunday morning run in Hadong.   October 28, 2012: Solo hike. Old graves.  October 29, 2012: "Put your shirt down," I told the boy who fashioned a belly shirt with his tshirt and then proceeded to- what?- try to make his scrawny little adolescent stomach muscles dance for me? "No, teacher!" a student said. "Sexy. He love you." "That is not sexy," I explained. "Children are not sexy. Put the shirt down, yoohoo." October 30, 2012: Making my own decorations in my favorite coffee shop with a little help from a student who wanted to join me. October 31, 2012: Students, prepare to be disturbed. Happy Halloween.   October 31, 2012: Invited the staff from my main school to my place yesterday. Principal, V.P., and 6 teachers showed up with an armful of gifts: huge box of grapes, 3 boxes of kleenex, wine, laundry detergent, and 2 cakes. Very nice. If not a little different than what I'm used to. October 31, 2012: At the gathering I had at my house last night, my vice-principal walked into my bedroom. "This is table," he said. "Yes, it is," I replied. "This is lamp," he said. "Yes, that is a lamp." "This is bed," he said. "Sit. Here. On bed." I complied. Then he sat down, too, put one arm around my shoulder and another one on my leg. I hopped up and firmly said, "This is NO!" and made an "x" sign with my arms. Lots of laughter from the rest of the staff. Oh, Korea.. November 3, 2012: When the flaming owner of a tiny bar in Hadong, South Korea gets up on his ridiculously tiny stage, plugs in his casio keyboard and guitar, turns on one green disco light, and begins to sing "Fame," I have to get up and dance. I just have to. November 3, 2012: Cloudy Sunday morning run.   November 4, 2012: These two ridiculously sweet students stopped by on Saturday for a visit, armed with handmade cards, homemade cupcakes, and a hand-drawn Korean picture dictionary.   November 5, 2012: I was made to wear this sign, which roughly sounds out to its English equivalent: free hug. November 6, 2012: I wore my hair down today, which made one teacher in the teacher's office shout "Oh! Gangnam style!" when she saw me and another one sing "Heeeeeeeey Shex-sie layyy-dayy!" November 6, 2012: ‎*crickets* 20 minutes into what should be my third class of the day and there are no students to be found. SURPRISE! Class canceled? Hard to say. It's possible those 30 students will show up, unannounced, anytime in the next 3 hours. Korean public schools, I like how you keep me on my toes. November 6, 2012: I shared "The Boxer" with my student (after he played guitar for me) and he shared this. Cultural exchange, for the win! November 6, 2012: I Die came to my room after lunch to serenade me with the most beautiful renditions of "To the Rain" and "The Saddest Thing." Life is good.   2012.07.01 국카스텐-The Saddest Thing  November 7, 2012: Next up: Elections here in South Korea. Read all about it.http://edition.cnn.com/2012/11/07/world/asia/south-korea-politics/index.html?hpt=hp_t4  November 7, 2012: My students had a talk on sexual harassment yesterday. Perhaps it was on how TO sexually harass, as a group of them yelled out "Hey baby!" to me when I saw them on the streets after school. And other told me I had a "beautiful body. but no beautiful face." Get over here, kid. You're about to get a but kickin', American teacher-style. November 7, 2012: Sometimes a nice lady brings a surprise tray of goodies to my classroom.   November 7, 2012: I have a wicked, painful, throat-shredding cold. Apparently I got it because my lower arms have been exposed from wearing 3/4-length sweaters. And part of the cure is to sleep with a scarf wrapped around my head and neck. Oh, Korea.. November 8, 2012: Ridiculously efficient office visit: $3.00. Medicine filled immediately by nicest physician ever: another $3.00. Thank you, Korea. November 11, 2012: Oh, Minsu- Just when you were starting to not so much like me, but not threatening to fight with me each time we saw each other like you have been doing since day one, I ruined our progress by pretending to run you down with my car. Have I mentioned that's how teachers joke in the states? November 11, 2012: An otherwise really jack-assy student just spoke to me. In English. Almost politely. So, I'll overlook the obvious what-the-heckery that I felt when I heard what he had to say: "I English bery good" and "Obama my cousin." November 14, 2012: It would have been nice to know that "salsa" is the Korean word for diarrhea before I did the "Common American Snacks" part of my lesson. Lordy. November 14, 2012: So this morning, while stopped at a red light, an ajumma aggressively knocked on my window and then hopped in my car. She had happy, wrinkly eyes and a rice cooker in a plastic bag. She needed a ride, and by golly she got one. Off to the outdoor market you go, kind lady! November 14, 2012: At my Thursday school, my co-teacher (who always seems a bit startled by my presence) announces "Oh! You are EARLY!" each time I arrive to school. I keep trying to arrive a tiny bit later each week in an attempt to not spook him, but so far, I've not found the magic hour. November 18, 2012: It broke my heart to tell my sweet, innocent student that the answer I was looking for was not, as she quietly uttered, "Rocky Mountain Cock." And then it took me about 45 seconds to stop laughing. November 19, 2012: I've become such a regular at a local coffee shop that the husband (who took my order) told the wife (who made the drink) to make a "Bree-jit-lah-tay-euh." ♥ November 19, 2012: Note to self: If I ask the student who hates me to volunteer to demonstrate a fist bump with me, he will use the opportunity to nearly destroy my knuckles with a powerful blow. Thanks for nothing, Minsu. *Grrrrrrr November 21, 2012: Just signed up. I'll be celebrating on the morning of my 40th birthday with a 23km run on Geoje island in South Korea. Now, that just rocks, if you ask me.   November 22, 2012: Red face, red nose, tired eyes, "beautiful body-line," weight loss, white hair, "culture-wear". These are the things I've learned about myself through the eyes (and comments) of the people of Hadong in the last 24-hours. *checks mirror and shrugs* November 20, 2012: Considering (a) I hit a visiting Office of Education lady in the head during last week's volleyball game, (b) I spend the entire time mumbling "I suck," "Don't pass the ball to me," and "Please, Lord Jesus, don't make me serve," and (c) I'm usually on the same team as the over-zealous power-player guy who does a smirky, hands up, 360 turn every time he scores followed by giving me the stink-eye, I'm going to gracefully bow out of today's game. By that I mean sneak out of the building. November 21, 2012: Me: "Are there any changes to the schedule today?" Coteacher: "Maybe...uh...the students...will want to...-Do you know next Friday is the school festival?" Me: "Yes. So, the students will want class time to practice for their performances?" Coteacher: "Maybe 1st and 2nd year students." Me: "Ok. So, I will teach only 3rd grade today?" Coteacher: "I cannot say." November 22, 2012: So, I'm looking up pics of turkey and stuffing to show my students and I had sudden moment of clarity about shoving a bunch of bread crumbs and turkey goo inside of a turkey butt and cooking it in there. I'm all, "Ew. Wait a second. Ew." November 23, 2012: I really wish I could get this sweet little old Korean lady next to me to say "Go into the light, Carol Ann," because her voice is perfect for it. November 25, 2013:  Good morning, Hadong. November 25, 2012: I just witnessed two boys trying to diss each other at lunch by each telling me bad things about the other. "Teacher! His hips! Very elastic!" (big butt) followed by "Teacher! His hips world shape!" (bigger butt) Well-played, students. November 26, 2012: Explaining yet again that "hips" does not mean "butt" in English, I found myself also clarifying the difference between "big ass" (as in "She has a...") and "big-ass" (as in "Ooh-wee! That is one...car you got there!") Yeah. I'm a little surprised, too. November 26, 2012: After hearing a kid say "Dog bit boy in pehn-us" to describe a funny video clip, I found it necessary to clarify pronunciation and have the class repeat: "PEE-nis. PEE-nis. Not pehn-us. PEE-nis" Please, Korea, stop making me teach the nasty stuff. November 27, 2012: New video from I Die explaining what is on his bucket list. I don't want to spoil anything, but #3 is "I want to watching the nude body of wife." November 28, 2012: Now, that's just a silly thing to write on a dictionary. November 28, 2012: I think having someone say "Oh-RIDGE-uh-nuhl oh-RAN-GEE?" while pointing at your hair is a rough way to be asked if you dye it. November 29, 2012: November 29, 2012: On the flip side, I guess if I HAD known I was eating pigs' intestines stuffed with noodles and pork blood for lunch I wouldn't have eaten 8 of them and I'd still be hungry. I mean. Right?  December 2, 2012: Thank you, kind woman, for the delicious street food you made. December 4, 2012: Students made bucket lists in class. Some of my favorites are listed below: Before I die I want to... -read people minds ability -buy Seoul -hit (Korean name)'s hips very strongly -watch most sad movie -destroy the earth -eat human -I must kill Maple Story game master. He doesn't have concept. -clean my house -I want to eat all the cheese -I want to meet Santa December 4, 2012: More proof that middle school boys are the same all over the world. One boy's bucket list: Before I die I want to... -have sex -have sexy gilr -kill her -have smoke -go to the space -go the gay bar -welcome to the gay bar -have sex many gilr -go to the club -go to the hotel -go to the hope house   December 4, 2012: And, let me not miss the opportunity to also generalize girls. Here's one girl's bucket list. Before I die I want to... -decorate my house with chocolate and diamond -meet Robert Pattinson -fall in love ♥ ♥ ♥ (hearts were drawn) -marry in wedding hall -go to TEEN TOP concert -travel with my boyfriend -pearm my hair -dye my hair -buy all of the clothes -sleep in most expensive hotel December 5, 2012: Stopped by the local "Puhl-maht-teuh" (Full Mart) for some treats for my kiddos on the way to school. Piped through the store speakers was the most amazing k-popped up Korean no-nonsense dance-able funky time let's enjoy Christmas good time Christmas time rendition of "Santa Claus is Coming to Town." I now know glee like I know kimchi. December 5, 2012: Nothing like an accidental kiss on the mouth from the school dog to make all of your Korean co-workers scream in unison and then walk about in tiny circles, probably repeating quietly to themselves, "I did NOT see that. I did NOT see that. That did NOT happen. It did NOT happen." December 11, 2012: My co-teacher: "Students need a movie. Too many tests this week. Movie. Today. And next class, too. *begins pointing to class schedule* Movie, movie, movie, movie, and movie. This is okay with you?" Um. Yep. Sure is. December 11, 2012: Sometimes I like to go to a random Korean conversation on facebook and hit "translate" under each comment. I get something like this (actual translated conversation): -Now I'm going? -yum, heh heh heh, the background behind the Ning von dealer Lisa I guess time to climb this week I: u, heh -Fell to buy you ... -EH blah except Sundays. For Chan on Thursday to meet with my brother and friends then and blah -Thursday day and!!!!Heh -Thursday day exam midterms la -When I get?? -...Gave up only a foot wide military knew about Chan's ...  December 12, 2012: Watching teachers enter the gym for Wednesday volleyball and making my escape plan. December 12, 2012: My Thursday co-teacher was so nervous having to tell me that two of my classes are canceled today that I thought I was going to have to call an ambulance for him. Does he think I'm packin' and about to lose my shit at any given moment? Seems that way. Poor guy. December 14, 2012: All apologies to those Koreans whom I offended by erroneously leaving a syllable out of the Korean word for "skim milk," therefore accidentally saying the phrase "dick milk." I had...no...idea... December 15, 2012: Busan street at night.  December 16, 2012: I finally tried beondegi. It smelled about as good as it looks, and I must say, I didn't handle it as well as I thought I would. Videos to follow. December 17, 2012: I am poised at the front of the classroom, ready to teach...to an empty room. My co-teacher scurries in. "Where are the students?" she asks. I don't know, I reply. "I do not know either." She leaves. A few minutes later, she returns. "Class is canceled." It does appear that way, doesn't it? December 17, 2012: What the what? Earlier a kid came in and asked if I knew "Billy Herrington." I did not. He asked me to search it on google. I did. Turns out he's a gay porn star and bodybuilder. "Deep, dark fantasy!" the kid exclaimed. What?! After school a group of girls came in and wanted me to watch this video. Double-what?! What is happening? weird Korean video December 20, 2012: Cold and rainy morning in Yangbo.  December 20, 2012: Warming up while warming up. December 24, 2012: I was just told by a (perhaps) 10-year-old boy that I have a "sexy body." And he made the hourglass motions with his hands. He wasn't the least embarrassed or shy about telling me this. He either doesn't understand how strange that is or he's the gutsiest kid in Korea.  December 25, 2012: *scratching head* I was just told that I cannot have $ for my 1-week winter camp. (I wanted to get some supplies). In the same breath I was told that I have 100,000 won (about $100) to spend on my "welfare." Cosmetics and movie tickets were given as examples when I asked to have that clarified. Um...Okay. ? December 27, 2012: "Honkey tonk Hadong-a-dong" is another thing my brain makes me say out loud. You know. Because I live in Hadong, South Korea. I also substitute "Hadong! Hadong! Hadong!" for "Padam, padam, padam," Edith Piaf-style. Thanks, a lot, brain. December 29, 2012: The original I Die "Shat fuck them your mother." Enjoy. Poster sizes available upon request. December 30, 2012: Clearing the roads, Hadong-style. December 30, 2012: I wish I could stop saying "FAVORITER IN THE POOKET." But I can't. I just can't. Damn you, recent Engrish shirt purchase! December 30, 2012: Almond butter! (I made a sammie with it and am about to chow down.) And just a few of the many bits of awesomeness sent from St. Louis to Hadong for my enjoyment, courtesy of Helena FitzWilliam O'Reilly. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you!   January 1, 2013: Year 2012 has been my favoriter in the pooket so far. I'm open to what 2013 brings. Unless it's blue cheese or olives. Or cat-spray smell. January 6, 2013: Walked into the business office just now to find my vice principal and 3 other people huddled around a piece of mail. "Oh!" my vp nervously exclaimed when seeing me. Then, oddly, he yelled at me, "HAPPY NEW YEAR!" Then they all started nervously dancing around. Turns out they'd just opened my mail and were discussing the marathon certificate inside of it. I didn't mean to bust a mail-reading party. SURPRISE! Carry on. January 7, 2013: Day 1 of my 7-day "winter camp" class. I have 7 students- 5 girls and 2 boys. When asked what English name they'd like to be called, the girls told me things like "Erin" and "Zoe." I then asked the boys. Me: What do you want me to call you? First boy: "Fucking." Me: "Fucking"? You want me to call you "Fucking"? First boy: Yes. Me: I will not call you "Fucking." Try again. First boy: "Christmas." Me: Fine. Christmas, it is. What about you? (to second boy) Second boy: "Santa." Me: Fine. Christmas and Santa, get to work. January 7, 2013: Every once in a while I think about how I'm over here in Korea and as a result I am missing an entire season of American football. And then I shudder with glee and kind of hug myself and dance around a little bit. January 8, 2013: My vice-principal was helping me make copies for a kind of Andy Warhol drawing project for my winter camp. "That is President Obama," I say as my vp holds up the first image. He nods, makes those copies, then holds up the second image. "Obama?" he earnestly asks. "Um. No. That's not Obama. That's 50 Cent. He's a rapper." Then I drop a few lines of "In da Club," to demonstrate. VP nods and proceeds to drop a few lines of Korean rap, which was full of mad-skillz and allowed me to forgive him for not seeing the difference between Obama and 50 Cent.       January 11, 2013: Jimjilbang friends  January 16, 2013: Holy shit. When did my facebook wall become a collage of photos and videos of a toothless, large-tongued elderly chihuahua? What have I become? Someone, stop me. Because I can't stop myself. January 16, 2013: I was just told that I have an amazing body...(wait for it)...for someone my age. Compliment: denied! January 21, 2013: I'm going to blame Cormac McCarthy (I've just finished one of his novels) and the fact that I've been out of the country for over 4 months that I just tried to spell "weren't" as "wornt" and couldn't figure out what was wrong with it. January 21, 2013: Ridiculous. January 21, 2013:  More ridiculous. And I am not breastfeeding, thank you. January 23, 2013: Picked up some earbuds today and was pleased enough that they were called "twincle." I had no idea what was in store for me if I just rotated the box and read the next side.  January 27, 2013: This might be the first time in my life that I've said, "Ok, fine, Life. What do you want me to do?" instead of "Ok, Life. Here's how it's going to be...or else." And as it turns out, Life is on my side. I had no idea. *Life and Bridget shake hands* January 28, 2013: Since I've been in Korea, I've purchased 9 skirts, 10 sweaters, 3 jeans, 11 long-sleeve tees, 24 pairs of socks, 3 jammie bottoms, 3 bras, 3 dresses, 4 pairs of shoes, 2 coats, 1 vest, and 1 hoodie. Uh... Oops? January 29, 2013: I ate sea cucumber. Totally don't ever have to do that again. January 29, 2013: Now I know why many Korean men drink large amounts of soju. It's to make them forget the experience of eating sea cucumber. I was, however, sober as can be and therefore woke up traumatized by memories of the crunch and the slime. Lord Jesus, why'd you make somethin' so nasty? January 29, 2013: Hadong Market. January 30, 2013: Went to Jinju to see an art show which includes the work of the new principal at my main school. (pictured here with his daughter)    January 30, 2013: Along my favorite running path. January 31, 2013: I like the term "ass-hat." Also the term "ass-clown." February 3, 2013: ooooh-WEEE! What could it be, John P. Cooper?           February 4, 2013: I just enlisted the help of my co-teacher to translate the curse I was putting on my students if they decided to cheat during trivia. It included but was not limited to: having me move in with their family until the student turned 30, forcing the student to wear "couple look" with me (identical outfits) until they turn 30, bringing me along wherever they go (and I demonstrated the dancing I'd do around their friends- namely the "Running Man"), and naming their first born "Auntie B." I'm not ready to give them the explosive diarrhea curses. Yet. February 4, 2013: Lunchtime at school can be a little awkward. My attempts at starting conversations with coworkers usually bomb. Today I tried again. Picked up a blueberry with my chopsticks and asked, "What is the Korean word for this?" No answer. "In English it's a 'blueberry.' What is it in Korean?" "Beh-loo-beh-ri," muttered a co-worker. Followed by a silent "...you idiot." Although I might be imagining that part. February 4, 2013: Trivia Q&A with my students- Me: What is the national bird of the US? Student: Angry Bird? ---- Me: What is the smallest bone in the body? Student: Pehn-isss? --- Lots of teaching needs to happen. Right about now. February 4, 2013: First class of the day showed up 5 hours early. Second class seems to be not showing up at all. Rollin' wit it in Korea, y'all. February 4, 2013: If I had 1,000 won for every time I heard "Teach-uh....I lu-buh you. Gi-buh me candy, please." I think I should teach a list of compliments. (i.e. "Your hair looks great today!" "You look fly in that skirt." "Your skin is so...clear!" "Those are some awesome kicks you got on today." "That lesson was the bomb.") Candy would be flyin' out the jar! February 5, 2013: Day two of classroom trivia. First class- All five groups were pretty sure this was...wait for it...Abraham Lincoln. Crimeny.  February 6, 2013: At my Thursday school. Entered the teachers' room. Speaking w/my coteacher, although everyone can hear. Me: I have a trivia game for today. Coteacher: Oh. *silence* Me: And I have chocopies. Coteacher and room erupts in cheer and the word "chocopie" is tossed around with glee. Chocopies are magical in Korea. February 7, 2013: Thursday dogs- Then and now. Febrary 9, 2013: Seollal solitude. February 11, 2013: Staff photo. I've never done an arm choo-choo train like this before, but I'm up for anything, I guess. February 13, 2013: Thank you, Liz Tucker! Almond butter! MY FAVORITE! And the candy hearts came just in time. Tomorrow I have a Valentine's lesson and my students will love the special treat. Magazines are also great. YOU'RE THE BEST! ♥ ♥   February 12, 2013: Valentine from I Die February 12, 2013: The best Valentine's gift you can give a group of middle school girls is to let them watch a cute boy music video. Up close.  February 15, 2013: Lost in translation traumatization: A boy student texted me. What he means, I think, is why don't I have a profile picture on this particular texting site. And that English is hard. Please, lord, let him mean that English is hard.  February 16, 2013: If you picture anything sexy when I say this I'm going to (a) poke your eyes out and (b) unfriend you, because sexy it is not. But even I'm surprised at how much I'm down with hanging out in a public bath house, butt-ass naked, bobbing around in a bath of green tea with women and children of all ages, and parking my bare bum on a plastic seat in a row of strangers to scrub my limbs with a little mitt until they're beet red. I'm down with this old-school community lady-ness. Very liberating, it is! February 17, 2013: Pre-needle in the throat jitters to be calmed by someone in the world of facebook, I'm sure. Tell me that you or someone you know had a biopsy of a thyroid nodule and that it not only didn't hurt that much, but it was actually fun. (No cause for alarm, by the way. I have to do this to get my thyroid RX refill here.) February 18, 2013: Downside: After today's visit to the hospital in Jinju, turns out needle-pokin'-in-the-neck won't happen until March 4. Upside: I've named my nodule "Nigel." Say it out loud: Nigel the nodule. Admit it. That was fun.